hearing
problem!
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing
problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month
to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told
my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
traveling
free the egyptian way...
Three
American and three Egyptian engineers are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three American each buy tickets and watch
as the three Egyptians buy only a single ticket.
"How are
three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asked one of the three
American.
"Watch
and you will see", answers one of the Egyptians .
They all
board the train. The Americans take their respective seats, but all three
Egyptians cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly
after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket,
please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The American saw this
and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after
the conference, the American decide to copy the Egyptians on the return
trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Egyptians don't buy
a ticket at all.
"How are
you going to travel without a ticket?", asks one perplexed American.
"Watch
and you will see", says one of the Egyptians .
When they
board the train the three American cram into a toilet and the three
Egyptians cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of
the Egyptians leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the
American are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
what is love?
what does love mean?
A group of professional people posed this
question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds:
What does love mean? The answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
When my grandmother got arthritis, she
couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does
it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's
love. Rebecca - age 8
When someone loves you, the way they say your
name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy -
age 4
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy
puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Karl - age 5
Love is when you go out to eat and give
somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of
theirs. Chrissy - age 6
Love is what makes you smile when you're
tired. Terri - age 4
Love is when my Mommy makes coffee for my
Daddy and she takes a sip before . giving it to him, to make sure the
taste is OK. Danny - age 7
Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when
you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss. Emily -
age 8
Love is what's in the room with you at
Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby - age 7
If you want to learn to love better, you
should start with a friend who you hate. Nikka - age 6 Love is when
you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. Noelle - age
7
Love is like a little old woman and a little
old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
Tommy - age 6
During my piano recital, I was on a stage and
scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my Daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. Cindy -
age 8
My Mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't
see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. Clare - age 6
Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece
of chicken. Elaine - age 5
Love is when your puppy licks your face even
after you left him alone all day. Mary Ann - age 4
I know my older sister loves me because she
gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones. Lauren -
age 4
I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom
says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby
sister because I love her. Bethany - age 4
When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up
and down and little stars come out of you. Karen-age 7
Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet
and she doesn't think it's gross. Mark - age 6
You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless
you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica - age 8
holy humor and good
thoughts for the day
Here are some alternative
church outdoor signs with a marketing twist!!
No God – No Peace – Know
God – Know Peace
Free trips to heaven.
Details inside.
Searching for a new look?
Have your faith lifted here!
Fight truth decay. Study
the Bible daily.
How will you spend
eternity? Smoking or not smoking?
Dusty bibles lead to
dirty lives.
Come work for the Lord.
The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the
retirement benefits are out of this world.
If you are headed in the
wrong direction, God allows U turns.
If you don’t like the way
you were born, try being born again.
In the dark? Follow the
Son.
If you can’y sleep, don’t
count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
An ad for one church has
a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the ten commandments
are inscribed and a headline that reads:
For fast, fast, fast
relief, take two tablets.
When a restaurant next to
a Church put out a big sign with red letters that said: Open Sundays.. the
church reciprocated with its own message: We are open on Sundays too.
good news and bad news
There is the story of a
Pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: " I have
good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to renovate
the building. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets. "
waiting to the last
minute
A minister waited in line
to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday. The attendant
worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the
attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump and said: "sorry about the
delay, it seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready
for a long trip." The Minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the
same in my business! "
parking
A minister parked his car
in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was late and could not
find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield that
read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss
my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a
citation from a police officer along with a note. "I' ve circled this
block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us
not into temptation".
hymn for all things
The dentist's
hymn..................................Crown Him with many Crowns
The weatherman's
hymn...........................There shall be showers of blessings
The golfer's
hymn...................................There is a green hill far away
The optometrist's
hymn............................Open my eyes that I might see
The taxman's
hymn..................................I surrender all
The Gossip's
hymn.................................Pass it on
The electrician's
hymn............................Send the light
dear God...
Here is a collection of
what children wrote to God...
Dear God:
Did you mean for the Giraffe to look like that
or was it an accident?
Dear God:
I went to the wedding and they kissed right in
the church. Is that OK?
Dear God:
Thanks you for the baby brother, but I think
you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear God:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for
anything before. You can look it up.
Dear God:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get
big, but not with so much hair all over.
Dear God:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in
Sunday school they said, You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.
i
asked God...
I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No. It is not for me to take it
away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No. Patience is a byproduct of
tribulations; it is not granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No. I give you blessings; Happiness
is up to you.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No. You must grow on your own! But I
will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy
life.
God said, No. I will give you life, so that
you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as
He loves me.
God said...Ahhh, finally you got the idea.
playing
golf
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing
golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball
landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly
Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side,
safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a
nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in
the centre of the pond and kind of hovered just over the water. Jesus
casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the
ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby
street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it
bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the
gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the
aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and
bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the
ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog
and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with
fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole
in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate
playing with your Father."
"A happy heart makes the
face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit"
Proverbs 15:13
